A healing guide to letting go of the attachment that’s been holding you back
Ever felt stuck on someone who’s no longer in your life? If you’re someone like me, you already know how heavy that emotional chokehold can feel. It’s like your mind understands the breakup, your body is trying to move forward, and your heart is still stuck in the loop of what if. The truth is, letting go isn’t about deleting someone or pretending they never mattered. It’s about breaking the emotional, spiritual, and energetic cords that still tie you to someone who can no longer meet you where you are.
If you’re reading this, it probably means you’ve reached the point where you’re tired. Tired of checking your phone. Of feeling triggered. Or tired of giving someone access to your energy when they haven’t earned it. Most of all, you’re tired of feeling powerless. But here’s the thing, sis… the good news is that you’re not powerless at all. You just need the right tools to break the cycle.
Below is the process I’m using myself to help me reclaim my peace. Maybe it can help you do the same.
Understanding Why You’re Still Attached
Before you try to force yourself to move on, it’s important to understand what you’re actually holding onto. 9 times out of 10, it’s not the person you’re holding onto, but the fantasy and version of them you saw in your mind. You’re attached to their potential. You’re living in moments that made you feel wanted and the highs you felt when he (or she) showed up for you, followed by the crash that came when they disappeared again.
Sis… this isn’t love. This is emotional conditioning & manipulation at its best, and breaking free from this type of chaos starts with calling it out for what the fuck it is. When you name the pattern, you take away its power.
Here’s an exercise you can try the next time you find yourself stuck in the toxic loop of your-toxic-ex-reappearing-in-your-energy-field-only-to-once-again-ghost-you.🫠 Take out your journal and answer these questions as brutally honest as possible:
What am I really holding onto? What version of him am I chasing? What did I want him to be that he never truly was?
Again… be honest. This is where detachment begins.
Stop Romanticizing the Bare Minimum
One of the biggest reasons an ex stays lodged in your heart space is because your brain keeps replaying the good moments and skipping over the painful ones. You’re reliving the little gestures & attention you got, especially in the beginning. You think about the way he made you feel when he was present. You may even be fantasizing about the past sexual experiences you had together which can deepen a toxic relationship dynamic even further down the rabbit hole.
Presence and fantasies mean nothing when it’s matched with inconsistency. A like on social media isn’t connection. A casual DM isn’t effort. Your toxic ex stalking your Instagram stories doesn’t mean he wants you back… I’m here to pop your delulu bubbleand bring you back down to trululu land. Sorry, not sorry…
Why? Because the moment you stop romanticizing bare minimum effort is the moment you free yourself from the illusion. Are you ready to face your own truths? Write down every moment your last relationship made you feel:
- ignored
- confused
- anxious
- unseen
- unappreciated, etc.
I know, sis… I know. It hurts and not what you wanna hear. But facing this reality for what it is allows you to recenter yourself. Read this list anytime you’re tempted to reach out. Keep a copy in the Notes app of your phone. Do something to help you remember why you left in the first place.
Detaching Requires More Than Willpower
Trying to detach with nothing but willpower is like trying to swim against a strong ocean current in the middle of Hurricane season. You need structure. Tools. A plan. This is especially true if the relationship had any emotional highs, inconsistencies, or trauma bonds. These are especially common in domestic violence relationships. Your nervous system became used to the emotional roller coaster, and your brain learned to crave the person who created high highs and even lower lows.
It’s not your fault. And you’re not crazy. You just need a reset. Why? Because you can’t heal while staring at reminders of him. You can’t get better in the same environment that was meant to keep you sick. So, what can you do? The first step (which is also the first step in my coaching program), is to GO NO CONTACT. You need to completely cut off the supply of oxygen your prescence gives them. Once you remove access completely, the dynamics begin to shift, but not without some hesitancy and roadblocks that may appear along the way. Move anyway.
So where do you start? Try this:
Mute his stories. Archive the chat. Delete the text thread. Hide (or even better, delete) your past pictures and videos. Stop looking at memories of you 2 together. Don’t keep checking to see if he looked at your stories. Stop posting subliminal messages about him on your social media (these are all things I’ve had to do myself, so no judgment, sis).Stop stalking his social media accounts. Block him if you have to. DO NOT PULL UP TO SEE HIM IF YOU LIVE CLOSE BY! And most importantly, stop reaching out for contact when he goes radio silent for a few days. This is only giving power back to the energetic cord you’re trying to cut once and for all.
Turn off notifications. Give yourself breathing room. Get off the phone and go outside. Touch some grass. Call up a good friend and vent. Go to therapy. Get back into your hobbies and passions. Tap into something creative. Give yourself an orgasm (preferably by yourself; don’t tell that man you wanna do something sexually with him). Do anything to disrupt your thought patterns and make sure you distract your brain from trying to go back down the same toxic road that’ll lead you to more heartbreak, confusion, and disappointments, once again. You already know how this movie ends, sis. You don’t need a sequel to the prequel. It’s time to write a new story.
And trust me, sis. This isn’t weakness… it’s self-protection.
Create a New Ritual for the Moments You Miss Him
Missing someone is normal. The problem is what you do with that feeling. If your first instinct is to reach out to your ex for communication, you need a replacement ritualthat redirects the emotional energy. Here are some things you can do instead:
- Write him a message in your Notes app instead of sending it
- Step outside, touch some grass and take 10 deep breaths
- Pull tarot cards for clarity
- Put on a playlist of your favorite music that shifts your energy
- Text a friend or journal instead
You’re retraining your emotional muscle memory every time you choose to do something different. Keep choosing YOU.
A Cord Cutting Visualization
Sit in a quiet space. Close your eyes. Imagine a cord connecting you and your ex. See what it looks like. Feel where it’s attached to your body. Now, picture a pair of golden scissors in your hand. When you’re ready, cut the cord and watch it dissolve. Say out loud:
“I release what no longer serves my Spirit. I call my energy back home.”
Repeat this whenever needed.
You Deserve a Love That Shows Up
The version of you who doesn’t need to chase anyone is already inside you. She’s waiting for you to choose her. When you stop pouring into someone who only gives you crumbs, The Universe opens doors for someone who will match energy, meet you with consistency, give yourself all the respect you deserve, and stand tall in true, emotional presence.
You’re not losing love, babe. You’re losing a toxic cycle that your future self will one day thank you for finally walking away from. Go ahead and play POOKIE’S REQUIEM by SAILORR & Summer Walker. Consider it the soundtrack to finally releasing the ex who’s been living in your head rent-free and reclaim the peace that always belonged to you.